吵架時內心喊「暫停」，辨識情緒與語言背後的力量 In a Fight? Pause Inside and Pay Attention to the Power Behind Words and Emotions

【English below】兩人相處在一起，多少都會有磨擦的地方，想法有歧見、行為看不慣。

大事可能像現在買不買房、生不生小孩

小事可能就請對方買晚餐結果買錯了、衣服亂丟沒洗到 ⠀ ⠀

但無論吵的「具體事件」是大事還是小事

真的能吵完還是能再繼續好好相處
取決於溝通表達方式 ⠀ ⠀

即便一件買錯晚餐這日常小事
若用指責的方式
那八成完蛋惹
「你好笨，連交代個買晚餐這小事都能買錯，你是還能做什麼？」 ⠀ ⠀


若對方比較剛硬，那指責會招來「防禦堡壘」
「兇屁啊，我不小心買錯而已，以後你都自己買！我多做多錯！」 ⠀ ⠀


若對方比較纖細心軟，那指責則會像利劍刺傷他的心
「真的，我好沒用...一件小事都做不好.....」 ⠀ ⠀


雙輸。 ⠀ ⠀


我和葛葛雖然感情好，但也還是會吵架
無論吵什麼架，當吵架發生時 ⠀ ⠀
我的作法是內心喊「暫停！」 ⠀ ⠀

然後快速地先【 辨識情緒 】
我發現我在不爽
而且不爽的情緒逐漸濃烈中 ⠀ ⠀
再來【 辨識語言會將事件帶去什麼方向 】
就是說哪些話有益於溝通？
哪些話是毒話，說出來只會讓情況更慘？ ⠀ ⠀
最後才會去決定我要如何回應葛葛 ⠀ ⠀

這說起來好像很理性很理想
但人其實真的有這潛力做到的喔！ 就從內心喊「暫停！」開始 ❤️ ⠀ ⠀

我也很鼓勵大家
在還能用「語言表達情緒」時就表達出來！

例如我就會很直接跟葛葛說 「葛葛，我現在在不爽了」
這可以讓葛葛快速 get 到我現在的狀態
而不是讓他猜、讓他慢慢觀察
我用講的比讓他猜來得快啦！ ⠀ ⠀

不要等到累積到爆炸時才用「行為」來表達不爽
例如破口大罵+激動摔東西
到這種程度就是雙方受苦的開始惹～ ⠀ ⠀

遇到吵架時你們都怎麼做呢？
歡迎留言☺️
我自己也很好奇別人吵架會怎麼做😆

最後一起來想想

1. 當我在對話中感到生氣時，我是直接反應，還是會先停下來察覺自己的情緒？

2. 我在衝突中習慣用什麼樣的語言？那些話是幫助溝通，還是讓情況更糟？

3. 我能不能在情緒爆炸之前，更早一點好好表達自己的感受？

In a Fight? Pause Inside and Pay Attention to the Power Behind Words and Emotions

When two people live together, friction is inevitable.

Different opinions. Different habits. Different ways of doing things.

Sometimes it’s big stuff — like whether to buy a house or have kids.

Sometimes it’s tiny stuff — like asking your partner to pick up dinner and they get the wrong thing, or leaving dirty clothes lying around.

But whether the argument is about something big or small, what determines whether you can move forward together after the fight isn’t the event itself — it’s how you communicate.

Even something as small as buying the wrong dinner can spiral if your response is full of blame:

“You’re so stupid. I asked you to do one thing and you messed it up. What’s the point of asking you to do anything?”

If your partner is more defensive, this will trigger their inner fortress:

“Why are you yelling? I just made a mistake. Fine, from now on you can do everything yourself. The more I help, the more I screw up!”

If your partner is more sensitive, these words cut like a knife:

“I really am useless... I can’t even do something this small right.”

Lose-lose.

Even though my partner and I have a good relationship, of course we argue sometimes. And when we do, here’s what I practice:

First, I mentally shout to myself: "Pause!"

Then I quickly move to recognize my emotions.
I notice I’m feeling upset. And that emotion is starting to build.

Next, I ask myself: What direction will my words take this?

Which words will help us move forward?
Which words are poison that will only make things worse?

Only then do I choose how to respond.

Sounds super rational, right? But honestly, this is something we can practice. And it all starts with that inner pause. ❤️

I also encourage people to express their emotions early with words, while it’s still manageable.

I often tell my partner directly:
"Hey, I’m getting really annoyed right now."

This helps him immediately understand my state without having to guess. Speaking it out loud is way faster than expecting him to figure it out.

Don’t wait until the frustration explodes in behavior — like shouting or slamming things. By then, both people will suffer.

So, what about you?
How do you handle arguments?

I’m genuinely curious to know what others do when they fight. Feel free to share! 😊

(Originally posted on my personal Facebook on Sep 13, 2023. Revised for the blog.)

✨ Reflection Questions

1. When I’m upset in a conversation, do I react instantly—or do I pause and notice my emotions first?

2. What kind of words do I tend to use in conflict—do they help or harm?

3. How can I express my feelings earlier, before they build up and explode?