你真的愛孩子，還是愛「被需要」的自己？

關於「被需要」的反思

其實我一直覺得「被需要是一種幸福」這種想法是有問題的。

因為這樣的人無法是單獨的，他一直需要透過他人的存在來證明自己的價值。

而當不被需要時，成就感、自我價值感就低落，快樂與否、幸福與否是取決人他人，我認為這樣的人是不自由的。

嗯，是的，我認為一個能愉悅單獨自處，也能愉悅與他人相處的人，才是真的自由的人。

此外，透過被需要而獲得成就感，會出現一個問題是你會為了滿足自我（獲得成就感）有意或無意地「創造被需要」。

例如親子關係，若你的孩子能獨立自主，那他其實就不需要你了，而你就無法獲得身為父母的成就感、價值感，所以你會創造自己被需要，告訴你孩子 「 你還太嫩，這不行、那不行，媽媽/爸爸我來幫你」。

這樣真的是愛孩子嗎？還是你更愛自己？

當不被需要時，我們還能感受到幸福嗎？

這其實很隱晦，需要仔細覺察才能看見。

（原文寫在 2023.11.26 我個人臉書 Betty Yuchan Tseng 上，經修改後重發在網站上）


 

Do You Really Love Your Child—or Just the Feeling of Being Needed?

A reflection on what it means to be "needed"

I’ve always felt there’s something off about the idea that "being needed is a kind of happiness."

Because someone who constantly needs to be needed can’t truly be on their own. Their sense of value depends on someone else.

If no one needs them, they start to lose their sense of purpose, their self-worth drops, and their happiness is at the mercy of others.

To me, that’s not freedom.

Real freedom, I believe, is when someone can enjoy being alone and being with others—without clinging to either.

When we rely on being needed to feel accomplished, we may—consciously or not—create situations where we’re needed.

Take parenting, for example. If your child becomes independent, they might not need you as much. And if your identity and worth are built around being a parent, this can feel threatening. So you might (again, consciously or unconsciously) start sending the message:

"You’re still too young for that. You can’t do that on your own. Let me help."

But in doing so—are you really loving your child? Or are you loving the version of yourself that gets to feel important?

Can we still feel happy when we’re not needed?

It’s a subtle question, and it takes honest self-awareness to even notice it.

What do you think? 😃

(Originally posted on my personal Facebook on Nov 26, 2023. Revised for the blog.)